


The Hotline

by my_frerard__romance



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:13:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 14,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29800011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_frerard__romance/pseuds/my_frerard__romance
Summary: Frank receives hundreds of calls in his job as a crisis hotline worker, but every night he talks to a certain man, who is alone with intrusive thoughts.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Ray Toro/Mikey Way
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

"Welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank. What should i call you?"

Frank heard nothing but shaky and heavy breathing.

"Thats okay. You dont need to talk just yet. Nice weather today. I had a lovely day with my friends and colleagues. Sucks that i had to work today, but i like my job. Do you work?"

"Gerard...Names Gerard." 

"Nice to meet you Gerard. How are you feeling? Any reason you called today?"

"My brothers dead...Its my fault."

"Is that what you wanna talk about?" 

"Yes."

"How exactly was this your fault? Did you do something to him?"

"He killed himself...now i want to.."

"I see. Do you have other family? Im sure they're all heartbroken, they cant lose you too."

"Yes they can, they've never cared about me."

"How come?"

"They're homophobic. I told them i was gay and they kicked me out. I moved in with my brother...and he hung himself last night." 

"Homophobic people are the worst. What was your brothers name?"

"Michael, but i called him Mikey."

"I dont think i know any Mikeys. Do you know what made your brother hang himself?"

"No."

"Oh dear. How do you feel right now? What are you doing?"

"My arms hurt, they're bleeding. I cut myself."

"Has this been a problem for a long time, or is this a recent problem?"

"I used to when i was 16, i did it for a year and got clean...Im 25 now...i started again last year."

"Im 25 too. I used to have issues with self harm too. Have you tried any alternatives like ice or rubber bands?"

"They dont work for me."

"Maybe we should try and talk through some ways to stop your self harming. What are your hobbies?"

"I like to sing."

"Oh yes! Music is great. Whats your favourite band?"

"Misfits. I like David Bowie."

"Good taste. Do you have any plans for after our conversation?"

"I-I don't know..." 

"Hey, no need to cry. Its okay, im here to talk, thats why you called. Were you planning on suicide, or is it just thoughts?"

"Just thoughts.."

"Okay, thats good. When was your last suicidal thought?"

"Earlier...i kept imagining myself...going downstairs and slitting my throat..."

"Did you come close to doing it?"

"Yeah...I grabbed the knife and put it on my neck but i couldn't do it..."

"Are you on any sort of medication for depression?"

"No...I dont like the doctors."

"I see. Any therapy?"

"No."

"Is there anything in the room you could hurt yourself with right now?"

"Yeah.."

"I need you to put it away. If you want help, you have to trust me. Put it away."

"One second.."

Frank heard the sound of knives clattering and cupboards shutting, the occasional sniffle and whimper from Gerard. 

"Done."

"Thank you. Where in your home are you?"

"The living room."

"Go to your bedroom and get yourself comfortable."

"Why?"

"We're gonna do some breathing exercises together. I can tell you're panicking, and i want you to call a doctor and get on some anti depressants. Im going to teach you how to calm your nerves, so you can talk to a doctor. You did great with calling me today, despite this anxiety." 

"Im under my covers. Now what?"

"Separate your arms from your body, and keep your head higher than your body. Legs straight."

"Okay.."

"Now, breathe in, dont force it, let it happen. Breathe in right down to your belly." 

Frank took his own advice and demonstrated it, hearing Gerard do the same.

"Thats good. Once you breathe in, hold it for five seconds, then breathe out through your mouth." 

"Should i start again?"

"That'd be good. In, hold, let it out."

Frank listened to the deep breathing, the sobs and whimpers slowly stopping. 

"Thats good, you're doing great. Keep going. I'll let you know when to stop. How are you feeling?"

"Better...I dont feel stuck anymore..."

"Thats good. Id like to take some of your details in case you call again, so you'll get diverted to me. Whats your full name? First, middle and second."

"Gerard Arthur Way."

"You're 25, correct?"

"Yes."

"Is this your normal phone number?"

"Yes."

"In case of a crisis in which you or someone else is in danger, could i take your address so i could send for help?"

"Its 2395 Monroeville Road, NJ."

"Right. Thank you for being cooperative. Are you feeling better yet?"

"Yeah.."

"Good, thats great. I want you to write yourself a reminder to call a doctor to hook you up on anti depressants."

"Okay. I'll write it on my hand."

"Do you have any plans after this call?"

"No...Why?"

"I want to make sure you're okay. Do you want to keep talking? I've got all night." 

"I think im gonna take a nap."

"Alright. If you ever feel bad, if you want to hurt yourself or if you need to talk, feel free to call. Your call will be sent straight to me. Have a good nap."

"Thank you. Bye."

"Goodbye."


	2. 2

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank, how may i help you?"

"Its Gerard."

"Hi Gerard, how you feeling?"

"I-I cant do this anymore.."

"Calm down, what's happening?"

"Im gonna fucking kill myself! I cant do it!" 

"Gerard, talk to me. Why do you want to do that?"

"I have no friends, i have no fucking family! The one family i had who actually cared is dead, hes gone! Im never gonna see him again!"

"Please calm down. Just take a breath. Remember our breathing exercises? We're going to do that now." 

"Just shut up! You cant stop me from killing myself! No one is gonna care, they wont miss me, so whats the point?!" 

"They're going to miss you Gerard. The world needs you. Theres only one of you, you're unique in all the best ways. You just need to breathe and listen to me, okay?" 

"I cant...I cant live like this anymore.."

"Live like what?"

"My home is so...dirty. I havent showered in so long...theres just empty beer bottles everywhere.." 

"Dont worry Gerard, its going to be okay soon. You just need to stay alive. It hurts right now, doesnt it? Grief hurts everyone. Even the strongest people. You're one of the strongest, i know you are."

"But...you dont even know me...Why should i believe you?" 

"I've been in your position Gerard. I know what these nights are like. Those nights where the thoughts are so consuming, you want to take your plan into action. Is there anything in the room you were going to use to end your life with?"

"Theres a noose on my ceiling...Im standing on a chair and its tied around my neck."

"If you were going to do it, what made you call me first?"

"Im scared..." 

"Yeah. You do sound afraid. Can you take your head out of the rope please?" 

"You dont care about me.." 

"I do Gerard. Take your head out, untie the noose. You can make it through the night, i know you can." 

"I did it...Its just a rope now."

"I want you to put it away. Somewhere up high or outside, somewhere where you wont be tempted again." 

"I threw it out of the window." 

"Thats good. You're doing good. Can you sit down or lie down?" 

"I dont want to. I need air.." 

"Please dont open a window right now. I want you to just stay inside. I want you to be safe." 

"I just...I just want my brother back." 

"I know Gerard, but you cant do this. I believe theres a lot you can do, but ending your life when you're only twenty five is not one of them."

"Why did he do it? You seem to know everything...so why did Mikey do it..?"

"I dont know. Listen, i've dealt with a lot of these calls. I've convinced people that life is worth living, and they've moved to get married and start families. Sometimes these hotlines dont work the way we intend, and sometimes...sometimes i have to listen to people take their last breaths. I dont want to hear your last ones, Gerard. I want you to come away from all this depression. Whether it takes 5 days or 5 years. You're going to do it, you're going to do well. I know it hurts right now, but you have to believe me." 

"I-I...Thank you...I really needed that." 

"You sound calmer now. Are you feeling okay?" 

"Not great but...better." 

"Do you think you're okay to go to sleep now and make it till the morning or do you want to talk some more?"

"Is-Is it okay if we talk..? I just have a lot bottled in and...just no one to talk to about it.."

"No problem. Get comfy and i'll listen to anything you need to tell me. Remember, this is confidential. No one else is going to know about what you say, unless you are in danger of hurting yourself, hurting others or getting hurt by someone else."

"I just...I feel like i've never fit in. Even when i was in middle school, i felt like an outsider.."

"I get that."

"I got bullied a lot when i was little. They used to bully my brother too. He got it worse...They beat us up, called us names...We didnt feel safe. When i was fifteen i got my first boyfriend.." 

"Aw, thats sweet."

"My mom hated the fact i was gay and kicked me out. I lived with my boyfriend for three years, till college. We broke up. I lived in college campus...and it just got worse and worse from there...The teachers didn't like me, my grades dropped so badly that i just dropped out."

"That sucks. Keep going, or is that all?"

"Am i getting boring..? I know im not interesting."

"No, keep talking."

"When i moved in with Mikey, it was okay. He cared about me, and it was all okay. His anxiety just...it just got worse and worse and they took him to the psych ward...cause he tried to overdose at that point. He wasnt himself when he came home and...three days after he got home...i found him hanging in the closet...i feel like it was my fault."

"Why?"

"I was...I was too caught up in my own stupid problems to look after him, he was looking after me...while this anxiety just crushed him till...he just couldnt take it anymore. I shouldve been there, i should've listened to him like he listened to me...and now hes gone and its my fault."

"It wasnt your fault. Mikey had control of his actions. He did that, not you. He chose to look after you and keep his anxiety out of it. Mikey wanted to look after you."

"But i was just...so ignorant."

"No you weren't. You had your own battles to face." 

"Okay...Im d-done..."

"Alright. You feeling better?" 

"I needed to get that off my chest."

"Im glad you opened up to me. Can you go to sleep now and promise me you'll make it through the night?"

"Yeah...Thank you, Frank."

"Its no problem. Goodnight Gerard, i love you."

"You love me..?"

"I want you to feel like theres someone here who loves you and would miss you."

"Oh...Thanks...Goodnight. I love you too Frank."

"Sleep well."

-CALL END. 56 minutes and 43 seconds-


	3. 3.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank, how may i help you?" 

"Hi...Its Gerard again..." 

"You dont sound very well...are you okay..?" 

"N-No..." 

"Whats going on?" 

"I just...cant do anything anymore." 

"What do you mean?" 

"It hurts...I cant get out of bed...I just cant do it.." 

"No motivation?" 

"Nothing.."

"Are you still in bed?" 

"Yeah...I havent showered in weeks. I smell so disgusting...my whole home stinks. I cant do anything, Frank...I just cant."

"Have you told anyone? Maybe they could clean your home while you get some rest." 

"They'll judge me. My bedroom is just...full of dirty clothes, all over the floor. Theres razors and bloody tissues everywhere. Theres glass from beer bottles and empty energy drinks."

"Sounds like you're dependent on alcohol and energy drinks." 

"I drink energy drinks...but it doesnt help me. Theres rotten food in the kitchen, its attracting mice and rats.." 

"How did they get in?"

"I dont know...Frank.." 

"Hey, stop crying. It's gonna be okay."

"I just take painkillers now, they knock me out so i can sleep...but i ran out." 

"When was the last time you slept without pills?" 

"I don't remember, it was a long time ago.."

"Whats making you so unmotivated?" 

"I cant face whats outside my room...its a mess and i just...have no energy to clean it up.."

"Thats so heartbreaking. No one should have to live through this. You can do it though, i know you can. I know you'll make it out of this." 

"I dont think i can..."

"You know you can. You can do anything. All you need is support. I know its hard to admit it, its so hard to admit you cant get out of bed and clean your home. Its even harder to tell someone. You made the right choice to call us though, because we understand what you're going through." 

"Have you ever been like this..?" 

"Unmotivated? Definitely. Ive been there, dont worry. You're not alone. I know you feel like no one cares right now, but i do. We've only spoken three times, but i care about you."

"Thats your job. You dont care about me." 

"My job is to care. I do care, i like you a lot Gerard. You're so sweet, and you dont deserve to go through this alone."

"But you dont. Your job is to care, yes? You dont really care. You just do because its a job." 

"I do. I care about everyone i talk to. Sometimes what i say just isnt enough. Some people i speak to...they still kill themself, and i dont want that to happen to you."

"At the minute...i dont think i have the energy. Even for that."

"At least i know you're safe. Do you want to try and rest or do you wanna talk?" 

"Talk."

"Alright. What do you wanna talk about?" 

"I dont know...Just that...everything is going wrong for me.." 

"Im listening." 

"My parents dont want me to go to Mikeys funeral cause they said its my fault. I love my brother...and id never hurt him.." 

"Thats heartbreaking. Is there any other way you can see it?" 

"I dont think so.." 

"And how did Mikey pass, again?" 

"He hung himself." 

"And you're having these thoughts too?" 

"Yeah." 

"Was your home always so messy, with Mikey there?" 

"A bit.." 

"What do you mean?" 

"He wore himself out every day to keep it clean. Eventually he just got exhausted and stopped...And we both got bad."

"And what do you mean 'got bad'?"

"We started drinking and doing drugs together. Theres still the needles and bags of weed everywhere. The whole house stinks of weed." 

"Oh, thats not good, huh?" 

"No..." 

"Do you still do drugs?" 

"Not anymore...i just smoke cigarettes now." 

"How many do you smoke daily?" 

"Almost a full pack." 

"Thats quite a lot. I know it can be difficult to stop, but itd be great to lay off them, at least a little. Smoking can have serious long term effects." 

"I know...but...i tried once and withdrawal was too much, so i started again." 

"Thats really sad to hear. Have you tried a rehab centre?" 

"I cant...i'm too anxious to talk to them." 

"Hm. You seem comfortable talking to me." 

"Well...yeah. I trust you, i guess."

"Aw, thank you. I told you you'd feel safe talking to me eventually. Now how about you go and try to sleep, and we'll talk again soon." 

"Okay. Talk to you later. Bye." 

"Goodbye Gerard. I love and care about you."

-CALL END- 41 minutes, 15 seconds.


	4. 4.

It'd been a long day. Frank had witnessed enough for a lifetime in a single day. Nonetheless, he awaited a certain call.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank. How may i help you today?" 

"Guess who." 

"Nice to hear from you again Gerard! How are you today?" 

"You dont sound great."

"This isnt about me. Is there a reason you called tonight?"

"Are you okay?" 

"Im fine, dont worry about me." 

"Im not stupid." 

"Alright, if i tell you, you need to talk about yourself to me. Theres definitely a reason you called today. I was on a phone call today, and it was to a woman. She was telling me to tell her family goodbye. She hung herself while i was on the call."

"Oh." 

"Thats enough about my day. Tell me about yours. Theres a reason you called, right?"

"Yeah...It was Mikeys funeral today.." 

"Aw. Im so sorry. How was it?" 

"I tried to go, but my parents told me to leave, cause i stink, real bad. I dont have the energy to shower right now..." 

"So you didnt get to see the funeral?"

"No." 

"Thats really sad. Have you seen Mikeys grave?" 

"Yeah. I-I left some flowers when my parents left." 

"That sounds real nice. Does it look good?"

"Yeah. Its decorated real nice."

"That sounds amazing. How are you feeling right now? Have you harmed yourself?" 

"N-No...I was going to, but i wanted to talk to you.." 

"I see. Is there something else you needed to talk to me about?" 

"No...I just wanna talk.." 

"No problem. Lets talk."

"Did you see the game last night..?"

"No, im not a fan of sports."

"It was the Dodgers. I watched it so i could tell Mikey the score, he liked the Dodgers."

Oh, did they win?"

"Yeah."

"Thats good! Mikey was a fan of sports?"

"He loved sports."

"Im not big on sports. You?"

"Not really. I just watched it because of Mikey."

"Did you manage to get out of bed today?"

"Yeah.."

"Did you clean?"

"No."

"Have you had anything to eat and drink?"

"A little."

"What did you have to eat?"

"Grilled cheese." 

"Sounds great! Was it nice?"

"Yeah."

"Grilled cheese is awesome. Do you feel better now that you've gotten out of bed today?" 

"A bit."

"Did you hurt yourself at all?"

"No, not today.."

"Thats really good! No bad thoughts?"

"No.."

"Are you sure? You need to tell me the truth, otherwise i cant help."

"I did...When i was in the kitchen...I saw the knives and thought about just...stabbing myself. When i was making my grilled cheese, i purposely burnt my hand in the toaster."

"Oh. Thank you for being honest, i know that's not easy to tell someone about."

"Mhm." 

"What do you want to talk about?"

"How can i stop...feeling like killing myself?"

"Its really not easy, i know. When i used to think about suicide, i always imagine what im going to miss out on. I want to get married and start a family, and thats why im still here."

"What if it never happens? What if no one wants me?"

"Im sure theres someone out there who'll love you. I love you, i care about you." 

"You wouldn't love me. If you saw the state of me, you'd call me disgusting.."

"I dont think i would. What do you look like?"

"My hair is super messy and greasy, i stink, im covered in blood and sweat...I look horrible."

"Thats not your fault, okay? Thats your depression, its doing that to you. Im sure you're beautiful." 

"No, you're wrong. I'm disgusting. I stink. Im a fucking mess."

"You'd feel the same if you saw me three years ago. I was just like you, i felt absolutely horrible and i was disgusting, but im okay now. I promise you'll be okay soon, you just need to listen to me."

"Why should i? I dont even know you.."

"Thats the point of a suicide hotline."

"Oh."

"Are you at risk of possibly harming yourself right now?"

"N-No...Not really.."

"I think its best if you take a nap. You sound really exhausted."

"Okay...I guess."

"Alright. Talk to you soon Gerard. I love you." 

"Thank you. Bye."

-CALL END- 20 minutes 17 seconds


	5. 5.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is-"

"Frank. I know its Frank. I know you, you know me."

"Oh, alright then. Hi Gerard. Whats bothering you?" 

"I feel...numb...I still havent gotten out of bed...I dont cook anymore because i have no energy, i order take out every night and...theres bugs all over my house."

"That doesnt sound very nice."

"No, its disgusting. But i cant bring myself to clean, and i cant call an exterminator because my house is so filthy.." 

"Mm. I want to know what else might've caused you to become this unmotivated. Your brother, your family, what else?"

"I dont know...my anxiety got so bad and i just wanted to give up. I couldnt talk to anyone...not even Mikey. I felt so lonely and isolated.." 

"You were aware that you weren't alone?"

"I knew i wasn't alone but...i felt like i was putting too much pressure on Mikey. I did, i put too much on his plate and he killed himself because of me..."

"It wasn't because of you. Mikey chose to do that, theres no way of knowing it was your fault. Did he leave a suicide note?"

"Yeah."

"What did he say?"

"He said that i shouldn't try to join him. He said i have more to live for than he did, but its not true. Mikey had a job, a girlfriend...he was all set."

"And he chose to love you rather than abandon you like your family did. You have to smile about that."

"Never let them take the light behind your eyes."

"Im sorry?"

"He ended his letter with that. He told me to never let them take the light behind my eyes. I don't know what he means."

"Maybe it means don't let all this negativity in your life affect you. Be strong and fight. He must think you're a strong fighter. Y'know, i bet hes proud of you. I am."

"Why would someone be proud of me? I stink, i havent left my house in weeks and it's literally full of bugs and rotting food."

"No. Not that at all. That isnt your fault. I mean...you had a choice. When you first called, you could've ended your life that night, but you chose to stay. You chose to call me. You reached out. I know from experience that reaching out is easier said than done. But you did it. That is something you should be proud of, okay?"

"But...im just so disgusting right now."

"Heres an idea. Think of your depression and anxiety as a plague. Its come into your brain, and its taking control. Think of your body as a small village of people. At some point, you'll hit a breaking point where your plague has almost infected everyone, but theres always that pocket of strength that fights back, no matter what. You can let the plague infect the strength, you hit your breaking point, and its over. Or you can keep fighting it, and with help from other people, other villages with their own plagues, you'll fight yours. It'll never permanently go away, you'll always have those days where the plague comes back, but its gone. Your village is safe, you're alive."

"Wow...I hadn't thought about it like that.."

"Right now, your plague is spreading like wildfire. Would you agree?"

"Yeah..."

"But that first time you called would've been the night the strength died, and the plague killed you. That little pocket of strength pushed it back and told you to reach out. Im so proud of you Gerard. You're absolutely amazing, you know? Its not easy getting help, its not easy spilling your problems and your feelings out to other people, especially ones you've never met. I feel like i've known you a long time already." 

"M-Me too.."

"This has been a nice chat, hasnt it?"

"It has."

"Hm. Everytime you feel like your plague is going to get the strength and kill it, you say no. You dont let it happen. You listen to the strength that's screaming at you for help. And you'll always be able to call me. I might just be a suicide hotline operator, but im a friend. Im here for you whenever your plague is starting to take control." 

"Thank you Frank...Thats a nice way to put it.  
So...So like...Help is like a cure for the plague?"

"Yeah! Thats right! Im here to be your cure for your plague, im going to save your village from the plague, and soon, your village will be all happy and healthy once again. And sure, the guilt and the memories of your brother will forever linger, the vectors that spread the plague through your village will always be a permanent reminder of what happened, but that wont matter, because you're alive. Thats the most important thing."

"Thanks. I-I think im gonna clean up my house a little. It smells real bad."

Frank chuckled, "Alright. Speak to you soon. I love you. You're worth it."

"Bye Frank."

CALL END - 35 minutes and 52 seconds


	6. 6.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank, how may i help you?"

"Hey. Its Gerard again. I know i always bother you...but i like having someone to talk to."

"No worries. Tell me anything you need to get off your chest."

"Can we talk about...drugs?" 

"Do you do drugs?"

"Mhm. A lot.."

"Go ahead." 

"I-Im an addict...i drink and smoke a lot.."

"What do you smoke?"

"Cigarettes, weed...i take painkillers a lot and sleeping pills...I took so many pills last night that i threw up and passed out."

"Oh. How do you get these drugs? You've told me you never leave your home, so how do you get them?"

"A dealer comes to my house. I meet him at the front door."

"How much money do you spend on drugs?"

"A lot...sometimes i use my rent money."

"You're unemployed, correct? How do you get money?"

"Mikey left a lot...for rent and food...i've never had a job. I spend a lot of it on drugs. I bet hes so embarrassed of me...Hes probably disappointed."

"Gerard, this isn't your fault. You cant keep blaming yourself for being depressed, okay? Mikey wont be disappointed in you, thats why he took care of you, wasn't it? He wanted to keep you safe. Unfortunately, it didn't stop Mikey from taking his own life, but now you need to think about how...how Mikey kind of sacrificed his own mental health for yours, how he kind of sacrificed his life for you. He put his anxiety on the line, not you."

"So you're blaming my brother?"

"Not exactly, but he was responsible for looking after you, obviously it affected himself in a negative way, and he ended up taking his life, but he wouldn't want that to happen to you too."

"Oh." 

"Is that everything you needed to talk about? Can you tell me how old you were when you started doing drugs?"

"Sixteen."

"What kind of drugs did you do? Anything other than weed?"

"Uhmm...Whats the stuff you inject into your arm? Smack, i think its smack."

"Yeah, it is. Its heroin. Sixteen is very young to do heroin at. Did your parents know?"

"I dont know. They never cared anyway."

"Would you say your home was unstable?"

"Guess so."

"What else made it unstable?"

"My mom drank a lot, so i'd sometimes take her alcohol and drink it." 

"That wasn't a very smart idea, huh?"

"Definitely not."

"How long would you say you've been an alcoholic for?"

"Uhm...I started drinking at sixteen but...i guess it got worse when i was eighteen. I'm twenty five now...so about seven years."

"Thats quite a while. Have you been to rehab?"

"No."

"If i forward you a link to a rehab centre in New Jersey, will you check it out? When you're ready to go out of your home, that is."

"Okay."

"Good. You're absolutely amazing." 

"Thank you."

"Dont worry. I think you're pretty strong, y'know? You're telling me about all of this social anxiety and depression, but you sound so brave. You've never met me, and you're opening up to me so well. I hope someday, we can meet. I'd love to get to know you, like friends, y'know? Not just you telling me these issues, i'd like to talk about other things with you. You seem like a really nice guy." 

"T-Thank you.."

"Why are you crying?" 

"N-No one ever tells me...that im n-nice...they all blame me for Mikeys death.."

"I dont blame you at all."

"Why?"

"Suicide is no ones fault. Its not like you forced Mikey to do it, he decided to. He didn't ask for anyones help, he felt like he could do it himself. Sometimes you just need a helping hand, y'know? It doesn't matter if you're the strongest person in the world, or the weakest, we all feel low at some point, and when we feel like that, sometimes all we need is a loving friend. Im proud of you for asking for help."

"Hey, no more crying, okay? I told you, you're amazing. Its going to be okay soon. I'll be your helping hand, and your friend. I get how hard it is, y'know? Especially now. Men are told to be strong and to 'man up' when they cry. Its hard for men to reach out for support. Im not saying its easy for everyone else, but theres more pressure on men to hide their emotions."

"Y-Yeah.."

"Mhm. You're brave, you're strong, you are going to be fine. All you need is a hand."

"And thats you?"

"Thats me. Im your helping hand. Im your friend. You're never alone, you'll never fight alone. The world is ugly, Gerard, but you're beautiful to me." 

"Thank you...S-So much.." 

"So you're going to go to rehab?"

"I'll try." 

"Im glad. Keep fighting, you got this."

"Mm. Thank you. Talk to you soon.."

"Goodbye Gerard. I love you."

"Mhm. You too."

-CALL END- 36 minutes and 29 seconds


	7. 7.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide. My name is Frank. How may i help?"

"Hi."

"Gerard? Its nice to hear from you again. I love our chats." 

"Me too."

"Why did you call tonight?"

"I-I finally went outside.."

"Yay! Im so proud of you Gerard, you're doing do great! What made you go outside?"

"I ran out of food, so i had to get some."

"You did it! You told me that you thought you'd never leave, but look at you! You're incredible!"

"T-Thanks.."

"How are we doing with your drugs? Have you done anything recently?"

"Umm...I smoked a cigarette last night, but no weed.."

"If i could, i'd so give you a big hug right now. I'm so so proud, you're doing absolutely amazing." 

"Thanks...I cleaned up a little too, called the exterminator. My home looks...better. The paint is still chipped on the walls, an' there's still dirt all over...b-but i washed the dishes and made my bed.." 

"And you told me you'd never get better. Wow, you're amazing." 

"I-I thought about what you said...a-about being friends...and i want that too.."

"Great! What should we talk about?" 

"I dunno...Whats it like, being a suicide hotline operator..?"

"Its hard. You gotta have a strong mindset. You cant let things get to you too easily, but you gotta be careful. If you say something slightly out of line, you feel responsible for someone committing suicide."

"Oh." 

"Its good though. I know im doing the right thing, and i get to meet amazing people like you."

"Cool.."

"Have you ever had a job?"

"Not a proper one...I was a janitor in Walmart, but they fired me."

"Why did they fire you?"

"I had a panic attack at work...cause a woman shouted at me."

"Why did she shout at you?"

"B-Because i forgot to put out one of those wet floor signs down when i cleaned the floor.."

"Oh, thats really sad."

"Mhm.."

"How old were you?"

"Twenty...I-I've not been employed for five years.."

"How long did you work at Walmart for?"

"A month...It was making my anxiety...r-really bad...I went home every night and just cried and sometimes...i locked myself in the janitors cupboard and cried...I had so many panic attacks because of how they treated me.."

"They treated you bad?"

"Mhm...They yelled at me if i messed something up, or if i needed a break cause my mental health got bad.."

"Thats awful. Im so sorry you had to deal with that."

"It was probably my fault anyway."

"Please stop, its not your fault. Depression and anxiety can affect anyone, including you."

"S-Sorry..."

"Its okay, dont worry."

"Frank...I just want...love.."

"Have you ever been in a relationship?"

"Yeah...two."

"Were they women or men?"

"One girlfriend and one boyfriend.."

"So you're bisexual?"

"Yeah."

"Can you tell me about the relationships?"

"Mhm. I dated Bert when i was fifteen...he was so sweet to me.."

"What happened?" 

"Nothing much...we were really close, we went on dates a lot...and i guess that's where it started going wrong..."

"What went wrong?"

"My mom found out. She told Bert...if he ever came near me...she'd hurt him. We broke up, but stayed in touch.."

"And who was your girlfriend?"

"Bitch queen from Hell."

"Who?"

"Lindsey. She started off being nice to me," Gerards shaky voice became clear and louder, "And then she turned into the biggest asshole ever."

"What did she do?"

"She made me have sex, when i told her i didnt want to."

"Oh. Non-consensual sex. Thats awful."

"When i told her to stop touching me, she hit me...so i did it.." 

"And then what happened?" 

"Mikey helped me. I told him what happened...he confronted her and got himself beaten up.." 

"Mikey sounded like an amazing guy, selfless, caring...He sounded great." 

"Yeah, he was...He told me he loved me everyday, he never let people get to me...he was so loving and supportive."

"Im so sorry, it sounds like you've had quite a rough time recently. It sounds awful."

"Mm. Thanks."

"Is there anything else you need to tell me, or is that it?"

"Where can i buy antiseptics? I think one of my cuts is infected.."

"The pharmacy is your best bet, some supermarkets might sell some. You may want to buy bandage wraps too, if you put the antiseptic on and wrap your wrists up in bandages, it should start healing. When did you cut?"

"C-Couple days ago.."

"Oh, im sorry. I can teach you about some alternatives to self harm."

"Sure."

"Ice. Press ice against where you usually harm. If it helps, put red food coloring in."

"I tried that. It didnt help."

"Hairties or elastic bands helped me a lot. Whenever you feel like cutting, snap a rubber band or a hairtie against your wrist. It gives the same sensation of cutting, without doing real damage."

"I guess i could try it.."

"Alright, please stay safe, okay?"

"I will."

"If you ever need to talk, dont hesitate to call."

"Okay. Thank you.."

"Goodnight Gerard, i love you."

"Mhm. Me too."

-CALL END- 26 minutes and 47 seconds


	8. 8.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank, how may i help you?" 

"All the power went off in my home...its super cold.."

"Oh, hey Gerard. Dont you have something you can cover yourself up with, till the power comes back on?" 

"I have all of my blankets, but im still cold. Im wearing Mikeys jacket, but its damp."

"That's probably making you cold, take Mikeys jacket off and lie under the blankets."

"Just the blankets?"

"Yeah. It should help."

"M'kay..."

"How've you been? You've not called recently, i was getting worried."

"Okay, i guess...my friend came by earlier.."

"Whos your friend?"

"Ray. He came in and found all my beer and drugs."

"And what did he do when he found them?"

"Threw them away and told me to stop drinking and smoking and to get help."

"Hes not wrong, you're going to make yourself so sick."

"So? I deserve to suffer."

"No you don't. Don't you dare say that."

"Sorry...I just...I don't know."

"Is there something on your mind?"

"No, and thats the problem."

"Unmotivated?"

"Yeah. R-Real bad.."

"Im sorry to hear that. What do you like doing in free time?"

"I read."

"Books? Poems?"

"Comics."

"Do you like Marvel? Or are you more of a DC guy?"

"I like both, but i prefer Marvel."

"Yeah, me too. Do you watch the movies?"

"Yeah."

"Whos your favourite Avenger?"

"H-Hes not really an Avenger but...Loki is my favourite, and Thor. But Loki is funny."

"I agree, hes pretty crazy. He acts like a bad guy, but then he plays a victim. I like Loki too. Thor is really cool, but Iron Man is my favourite."

"Iron Man isnt that cool."

"He totally is!"

"Captain America is better."

"True. Without his suit, Iron Man is nothing. At least Cap is strong without his suit."

"Yeah, told you." 

"So, is it just your power out or is it the neighbourhood?"

"The whole neighbourhood, pitch black. Not even the street lights are on."

"Theres been a few power outages recently, is it that?"

"Think so."

"Do you have a flashlight or anything?"

"Candles."

"Careful with them, please dont burn yourself."

"I-Its a little late for that..."

"Did you do it on purpose?"

"I-I'm sorry...I let you down again...Im numb...and hurting myself is the only way i-i can feel alive..."

Oh, Gerard...Im so sorry to hear that...I thought you were going to try some of the alternatives to self harm?"

"T-They didn't help me.."

"Okay, well they're not always for everyone, y'know? People have their own ways of coping. Yours unfortunately is hurting yourself. Is there something in your life you feel you're missing? Maybe if you replace it, you may cope better with it."

"My brother...but no one could replace him.."

"Oh dear. Any friends?" 

"Do i have any? Yeah, just one...He checks on me sometimes and he takes away my drugs...replaces it by paying my rent...he promised he'd never turn me in for my addiction and drug dealing...as long as i let him help.."

"And you said his name is...Ray?"

"Mhm...Ray Toro. Hes really nice, but i cant understand why he'd ever care about someone as broken as me."

"You're broken, i know. So when we talked about seeing your depression as a plague, lets think of your life as...as a puzzle, maybe."

"Okay?"

"You're telling me your life is in pieces, your puzzle isnt complete."

"Mhm."

"And that you're struggling to find the pieces that fit together, and to make your puzzle complete."

"Yeah...i guess."

"Alright, Ray is trying to put your puzzle back together, but smoking, drinking and snorting your pain away is destroying the puzzle that Ray and i are trying to put back together."

"Oh.."

"But if you stop drinking and smoking and doing all these drugs and let me and Ray help, your puzzle will be back together again. You just need to trust me, trust Ray. Let us help."

"I-I'm trying..."

"Gerard...don't cry.."

"Sorry...B-But i'm trying to let you help me but...i'm just so fucking exhausted...i-i cant do anything...its a miracle if i even pick up the phone when Ray calls..."

"You talk to me quite often."

"T-Thats different."

"How?"

"Cause we're not friends. You've never met me, you don't know what i look like. You've never seen me. We're not friends. You're...just an operator who pretends he cares.."

"Gerard, i really do care, and i really want to be your friend. I know you're trying, and you're doing a great job! I know its so hard, its hard for you to even get out of bed, but thats okay! We all feel like this at times. I felt like you at one point. But you're going to fight, and you're not fighting alone."

"Oh.."

"For every one of us, theres an army of them. But you'll never fight alone. I'm here, and i know we've never met, but im just a phone call away." 

"T-Thanks...If its okay with you, i-im gonna go make some food...Ray dropped off a premade pizza and im super hungry."

"Yum, pizza! What type?"

"I think its pepperoni.."

"Im vegetarian, but that sounds good! I'll talk to you soon, right?"

"P-Probably...You're pretty much...the only one i can relate to...Ray...hes super happy all the time...and sometimes it gets too much for me and i crash.."

"No problem. Enjoy your pizza Gerard. I love you. You're worth fighting for."

"Y-Yeah...Love you too. Goodbye.."

"Bye bye."

-CALL END- 32 minutes and 53 seconds


	9. 9.

"Hello and-"

"Its too much..." 

"Gerard? Oh my God, what happened..?"

"I-I went to the store...my card declined and...i got really embarrassed...Then they accused me of stealing...gave me a pat down and made me take my pants off...and my jacket. T-They laughed at my scars and my stretch marks...I went home and broke down..."

"Thats fucking awful. Sorry for the language."

"I-I didn't do anything wrong!"

"I know, its okay Gee. We're gonna do some breathing, okay?"

"F-Fuck...Im having a panic attack.."

"Do you need me to call for help?"

"N-No...I have you...right..?"

"Yeah, you do. Okay, you're gonna take a deep breath through your nose, and hold it."

"N-No...I c-cant breathe..."

"Yes you can Gee. Just force a big breath through your nose, hold it, and then exhale it deeply."

"F-Fuck.."

"Do you need me to call someone?" 

"No..."

"What about Ray? Can you give me his phone number? He can sit with you and calm you down."

"He-Hes working.."

"Is there anyone else?"

"N-No...Mikey used to help me, every time..."

"Looks like its just us then. I have your address, would you like me to come?"

"No! Please no!"

"Why not?"

"Its...personal.."

"Okay, but you need to do what i say if you want it to pass, okay?" 

"O-Okay.."

"Breathe deeply, in through nose, hold it for a few seconds, and then breathe out through your mouth."

"I-I did.."

"Good job Gerard. Keep it up."

"You're doing great."

"Im...Im okay now.."

"I told you we could do it together. All you need is to trust me, and it'll work out."

"Y-Yeah.."

"So, are we gonna talk?"

"Y-Yeah...please.."

"Lets talk about music! You said you like to sing. I play guitar, y'know?"

"Wow...Cool...I like singing, yeah.."

"Favourite band?"

"P-Probably...i dunno. Punk rock is cool...metal, i like anything rock, or heavy music.."

"I really like that type of music. Some of my favourite bands are Anthrax and Joy Division, but i have way too many favourites to name." 

"T-They were my brother's favourites...He wore the same Anthrax shirt for ages.."

"You both have really good taste."

"I-I kept Mikeys shirts...H-He loved them both a lot and i couldnt bring myself to throw them away.." 

"I get that. When my mom died, i kept some of her things. Some of her things meant a lot to her, like i guess Mikey and his shirts. Was that all you kept?"

"I-I kept some of his hoodies, and this knuckle duster necklace he wore everywhere...and his bass."

"He played bass?"

"Mhm.." 

"Thats so cool! I wish i could've met him, he sounded awesome, kind, he seems great. He treated you well, didnt he?"

"Y-Yeah...He did...He threw me surprise birthday parties every year, b-but...it was always just the two of us. I didnt have many friends.."

"What about Ray?"

"I met Ray...a few days before Mikey hung himself...H-He came over while Mikey was working...He told me that Mikey was acting weird at work.."

"Weird?"

"Yeah. Ray said that...Mikey was being really morbid..."

"How?"

"He kept asking Ray...what he thought the most painless way to die would be...suicide methods, he kept saying he felt like a burden to everyone.."

"And what did you say?"

"I said...Mikey was okay. He wasn't depressed or suicidal. I feel so fucking guilty.."

"Theres no way you could've known."

"W-Well...how did Ray notice the signs..? How would Ray know Mikey was...going to kill himself..?"

"...Its not always so easy to spot. If it were easy to tell that someone was about to end their life, suicide rates wouldnt be so high, would they? The way to let go of this is to remind yourself that this wasn't your fault."

"Let go? You're saying...just forget that Mikey died?"

"No. Im saying...think of it like this. Y'know when you cut your knee? Its gross and bloody at first, but over time it'll heal. Theres always going to be a permanent scar on your knee, but its healed and healthy now. Now think of Mikey. Mikeys suicide is causing you a lot of pain right now, but over time, its going to heal. Theres always going to a permanent hole where Mikey was, but its healed. The pain is feeling better. Its never fully gone, but its okay." 

"I-I wanna move on but...he just meant so much to me.."

"I felt the same way when my mom died. Dont hold onto the past, but dont let it go completely. Hold it, but loosely. Let it gently slip." 

"Oh...i-i will...Thank you.."

"Grief is a very touchy and hard subject to tackle, especially when you're struggling mentally like you are. Im here whenever you need to talk, okay?"

"O-Okay...I-I think im gonna take a nap now.."

"Alright, have a nice sleep Gerard. I love you. You're going to get past this."

"Y-Yeah...Love you too.."

-CALL END- 26 minutes and 41 seconds


	10. 10.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank. How may i help?"

"M-My fucking wrists...They're bleeding real bad.."

"Were you cutting again, Gerard?"

"I am. Im still cutting.." 

"Please don't do that. What are you using to cut with?"

"A razorblade from a pencil sharpener.." 

"Can you throw it away for me?"

"I dont want to...it hurts but it feels so good.." 

"Im not going to be able to help you if you wont listen to me. Put it down somewhere you wont be tempted to pick it up again."

"I cant." 

"Yes you can."

"N-No...i want to keep cutting. I-I have...fifteen new cuts.." 

"Well, lets not make that sixteen."

"Sixteen cuts...seventeen-"

"Stop that, Gerard. Stop cutting your wrist now please."

"Eighteen...nineteen.."

"You called me to talk to me while you're cutting? Can you please listen to me and put the razor down?"

"Let me just make it a rounded number..." 

"No Gerard. Put it down." 

"Twenty." 

"Okay, are you done now?"

"I only cut one of my arms, i didnt even start my other arm.."

"Dont start it. Try one of our alternatives. Do you have an elastic band?"

"Yeah, why?" 

"Put it on the wrist you havent cut yet, snap it against your skin twenty times, if thats how much you cut your wrist."

"I wanted to do thirty." 

"Don't snap it on the cut wrist. Its going to make it bleed even more. Thirty times on the wrist with no fresh cut."

"A-Alright...if you say so.."

"Have you heard of the Butterfly Project?"

"No.."

"Do you have a pen?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Draw a butterfly on your wrist, the one you havent cut but where you typically cut."

"Done. Now what?"

"Name it after someone you love and care about a lot. Write their name near the butterfly."

"Okay...I named it Mikey."

"Now everytime you cut there, you're gonna hurt him. Its going to die if you cut there." 

"Oh...O-Okay...Can i draw another?"

"Go ahead." 

"I named it Frank."

"Thats sweet. I care about you too."

"T-Thanks.." 

"Im always thinking about you. It scares me when i dont hear from you after a while. I always worry that you've...killed yourself.." 

"Id call and tell you if i was actually gonna do it...I'd come and say goodbye." 

"I hope i dont have to hear you say goodbye to me. I like talking to you, you're sweet."

"S-So what do i do if i cut on the butterfly?"

"You've hurt the person you named it after. If you cut, you're hurting me and Mikey."

"I-I dont wanna hurt you or him.."

"So dont cut. Okay? Is that good?"

"Y-Yeah...Got it.."

"You're slurring your words a bit."

"Im a little drunk.."

"What did you drink?"

"I-I don't know...Whiskey, i think. Might be vodka. No idea." 

"Why dont you know?"

"I dropped the bottle, fell into a huge pile of other bottles. There must be twenty bottles on the floor."

"When did you drink these?"

"These ones have been here for a week or so. The ones under my bed are hella old." 

"Would you say your alcoholism got worse when Mikey died?"

"Yeah, guess so. Drink so much i throw up and pass out in my vomit." 

"Oh, thats gross." 

"Yeah. Woke up covered in it this morning. It smells so badly of vomit." 

"Maybe you should try that rehab centre i talked to you about."

"I-I cant...I cant talk to them.."

"Gerard...I know you can. I know you're struggling to talk to other people, but you need to at least try. How about i talk to them for you? We can work this all out together, but you need to trust me. I'll give them a call later, is that okay?"

"Guess so.."

"And you're gonna try your best to talk to them?"

"I-I'll try.."

"Remember that my butterfly is on your wrist. Anything bad you do to yourself is hurting me, and its hurting Mikey. We dont want you to suffer. You don't deserve to suffer, even if you feel like you're responsible for Mikeys death. You were not the cause of that."

"Mhm."

"I hope we can meet one day. When we do, im gonna hug you so tightly and tell you how proud i am. You're keeping yourself alive, and if thats the best you can do right now, then well done. You're a fighter, you're going to beat this. Dont be scared to ask for help. Im here for you, Ray is there, and Mikey. I bet Mikey is so proud that you reached out for help from me. I bet hes proud that you've opened up so much to me. Its like ive known you for years."

"Y-Yeah. You're really nice Frank...I appreciate it...I-I know i cant really express that...I-I have troubles...expressing feelings, but i do appreciate it.."

"Dont worry about it. Im always here for a chat, okay?"

"Yeah. I-Im gonna take a shower. I have vomit all over me...the cuts..."

"If your butterflies come off in the shower, draw them back on, okay?"

"Will do...Bye Frank.."

"Love you. You got this, fighter."

"Y-Yeah...Love you too."

-CALL END- 36 minutes and 41 seconds


	11. 11.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank. How may i help you?"

"You ever get bored of saying the same stuff all the time?"

"Yeah, it gets a bit repetitive after the first ten times."

"D-Do you know anything about psych wards..?"

"I do. Why? Do you feel like that might help you? I can get you a referral to a specialist who can help you get a place in the wards." 

"No...I just wanted to talk about them...They didn't help me, or Mikey...They're there to stop you from dying, Mikey died, i'm fucking ready to.."

"They're there as prevention. If someone is showing the signs of being suicidal, then they'll be sent. Mikey clearly hid what he was dealing with. And you're not going to die, i'm not gonna let that happen." 

"I want to die." 

"No you don't. You just want this pain to end. You don't really want to die."

"Y-Yeah...Sure.."

"So whats going on?" 

"It snowed recently.."

"I know! Have you been outside?" 

"Once...just to the store...I like snow.."

"What do you like about snow?"

"...Its quiet...Snow absorbs sound...its silent, i like it.."

"You don't like snowball fights?"

"N-No...Just the quietness...Its relaxing to sit at the window and watch it snow...sometimes i wish it'd snow and...never stop.." 

"I agree, snow is very relaxing to watch."

"A group of teenagers laughed at me and pushed me into the snow.." 

"Why?"

"Why'd you think? I look freaking homeless.."

"Still unmotivated to take a shower?"

"Mhmm.."

"Im so sorry. For now, maybe you can try roll on deodorant, and then normal deodorant. For your hair, maybe you can wash it in the sink."

"I didn't think of that."

"There you go! Progress! Now, we're talking about psych wards. Have you been to one?"

"Once. Mikey sent me there because he walked in on me with...with a blade on my throat." 

"Were you going to do it?"

"Do what?"

"Were you going to slit your throat?"

"I-I don't know...I was in a really bad headspace...I kept yelling at Mikey, i kept telling him that i wished he'd die...I fucking regret that.."

"Gerard, there is no way you could've known he was going to do what he did." 

"The-The noose is still in his closet! I-I cant move it, because i know i'll just end up hanging myself!" 

"Hey, its okay Gerard. Just listen to me, okay? Please don't go near Mikeys closet."

"Its still hanging...A-After they took his body away...I put the noose back up.." 

"Why did you do that?"

"Because when he died...I-I was gonna kill myself that night too..." 

"Im so glad you're still here and fighting. You got guts. I cant wait till you tell me that you're married to the man of your dreams and that you're adopting kids, i cant wait to hear you laughing and see you smiling. I bet your smile is beautiful." 

"Its not going to happen...No one would want me like this." 

"I bet theres someone out there. Hes going to love every imperfection on your body. Those scars you're telling me you gave yourself, those stretch marks you're insecure about because they make you feel gross, he is going to love them all. He'll kiss your scars and tell you that you're beautiful."

"Pierce The Veil reference?"

"You got it! Rad taste in music. Like i was saying, your man is out there somewhere. When you meet him, your life is going to change. Trust me, its going to happen."

"Has it happened to you?"

"No. But im waiting for it. I cant wait to meet my soulmate."

"You believe in soulmates?"

"I believe that everyone has a certain someone who will step into their life and never leave."

"Like you."

"What do you mean?"

"You told me you would never leave me. I-I know we've never met, and its scary but...you're like my best friend. I-I can trust you with anything, you know most of my secrets, you let me rant on about things...You're so kind and considerate to me.." 

"Im glad you feel like this. Im glad im making you feel that way. You're able to rant to me about anything you need, whenever you want. I'll always be a phone call away."

"T-Thank you...for making me feel so...loved. I feel like...there's someone out there, who actually cares about me.."

"I care a lot. I think about you all the time. I always wonder how you're doing." 

"I-Im a week clean." 

"Im so proud of you! Well done!" 

"I-Its the butterfly thing, you told me if i cut then i was hurting you and Mikey...I dont want to hurt either of you.."

"Im so proud. You're doing a great job, keep going! I believe in you!"

"A week isn't a lot.."

"Seven days of not hurting yourself is seven days of saying fuck you to your depression. Its progress, wether its seven minutes, seven days or seven years. You're fighting back."

"I-I think i'm gonna go clean up. L-Like you told me, wash my hair in the sink, and shit.."

"Alright. Hope to speak to you soon. Im so proud of you Gerard. I love you."

"Love you. Bye.."

"Bye bye."

-CALL END- 26 minutes and 52 seconds


	12. 12.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank, how may i help you?"

"It-Its Gerard...I-Im in a bad situation..."

"Are you in danger?"

"U-Uh...Not yet..." 

"Can you tell me what's going on?"

"I-I have pills...All the pills i can find. I-I'm really tempted to take them all.." 

"What type of pills?"

"Painkillers...Aspirin..."

"How many have you got?" 

"Two boxes of the Aspirins...and Mikeys anxiety meds." 

"Alright, can you please put them down?" 

"No.." 

"You don't want to?" 

"I want to take them.." 

"Are you trying to overdose? Or do you need the painkillers?" 

"Uhm...I don't need them...I-I just want my pain to just...end..." 

"I get it. Please just listen to me and do exactly as i say." 

"O-Okay...I guess..."

"Put the pills away. Put them somewhere you wont be tempted to take them. Are you drunk or high right now?" 

"I had a joint earlier...but i'm down again." 

"Thank you for being honest."

"The pills are...in the sink.." 

"Awesome. Sit down somewhere, close your eyes and just breathe. I got a couple questions to ask, i've been curious about." 

"O-Okay.." 

"You sound calm talking to me most of the time. Why?" 

"Cause...you're not gonna hurt me...you're relaxing to talk to.." 

"I try my best to be relaxing, to create a comfortable environment for you. How about Mikey? How did he get on with attempting to find help?" 

"...Bad...He relapsed after coming out of the psych ward..." 

"I can understand that. Its a high security place. He went from heavily influenced, then locked away from it all, released back into society...thats not uncommon. Can i ask some things about Mikey?" 

"Yeah...g-go ahead.."

"Was he in a relationship?" 

"No...but i think he was secretly dating Ray..." 

"Why'd you think that?" 

"Ray spent a lot of time here, they would cuddle together a lot and slept in the same bed.." 

"I see. This may be hard for you to answer, but how did you react to finding Mikeys body?" 

"I-I panicked...i thought i was having a nightmare at first...He just looked so...pale, but his lips were blue...and his fingertips.."

"And what did you do when you found him in the closet?" 

"I just...froze...I grabbed his phone and called my mom, since she had blocked my number...I told her what happened and then it kinds just hit me...and i broke down. Mom started yelling at me, b-because she said i killed him...And then i called an ambulance for help, they took his body and i just...didn't know how to react.." 

"You said you kept the noose in the closet because you were planning on hanging yourself too, what did you do instead?" 

"I-I listened to Mikey...I have the note.." 

"Would you mind reading it to me..?" 

"Y-Yeah...It says...Dear Gerard...I'm sorry i did this to you, but taking care of you and myself...is too difficult...And i felt like this was my escape. I just want to let you know that this isn't your fault, and that you shouldn't do this too. Even if your thoughts scream at you to take that jump or to lock yourself in the closet with a noose...don't do it. Put the pills away. I love you Gerard, and i promise i'll always be with you. Never let them take the light behind your eyes. Look after yourself. Love, Mikey..." 

"Oh...Thats so sweet and heartbreaking...He sounds very pure and loving." 

"He was.." 

"Well, hes right. Put the pills away. Im with Mikey on this one, you're important. You matter. The world is not better off without you."

"You really think so..?" 

"I do. I think you're amazing. You're strong, you're so open about your problems and you deserve to be open about it! Because no one should face this alone, all this pain and suffering...its not right for you to struggle alone. I know there's stereotypes about men being strong and unemotional, but we all have our low points. Soon, you'll be well on your way back up. Theres so many images i can use to explain this. How about a mountain?"

"What do you mean..?" 

"Alright, you're climbing a mountain. You're getting higher and higher, to that perfect life you want. But then you get hit by a big strong wind or an avalanche and it pushes you back. You fall down, but theres always a hand there to grab you and help you back up to the top. They'll hold your hand as you carry on climbing to the top."

"Mikey used to say...w-when you hit rock bottom...you only have one direction to go...and thats up.." 

"Hell yeah! Mikey sounds so great! You should believe what he said, because its so true!" 

"Yeah...I-Im feeling better now Frank...thanks for talking to me...I feel safe when you talk to me.." 

"Im glad to hear that. Can i trust you to get some sleep now?"

"Y-Yeah...Goodnight Frank.."

"Goodnight Gerard. I love you, look after yourself." 

"L-Love you too.." 

-CALL END- 25 minutes and 19 seconds


	13. 13.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank, how may i help?"

"F-Frank...I-I hurt you and Mikey.." 

"Whats going on Gerard?" 

"I hurt Mikey...And you..."

"Im sorry?" 

"You remember how you told me to draw the butterflies on my arms and name them after people i care about..?"

"Uh huh." 

"And if i cut...then i hurt you..?" 

"Did you cut?"

"I-Im sorry...I just...Have a lot going on right now...And i couldn't stop myself.." 

"Hey, its okay Gerard. No need to apologise. Are you cutting right now?" 

"No.." 

"Thats good. Are you still bleeding?" 

"A little...Oh God...I cut right over both of your butterflies...I-Im sorry.." 

"Its alright, its going to be okay. As long as you're not in danger right now, you're going to be okay."

"O-Okay...Im really sorry i let you down again..Im just a mess right now and its like everything is just going wrong!" 

"I know it does, but there's nothing to worry about. You always know you can call me whenever you need somebody to talk to. Is there anything thats bothering you that you need to get off your chest?" 

"I-I don't really know...Theres not just a thing thats making me like this...Its just a lot of shit put together, y'know..?" 

"Yeah, i know. How are we feeling right now? Would you say you're any better than yesterday?" 

"I feel...trapped, i guess." 

"Can you explain a little?"

"I feel like...well you're there to talk to me...but i feel like you're the only one who can help and i cant ask anybody else..."

"The best thing you can do right now is acknowledge that you need help." 

"I know i need help. I just really struggle to ask for help.." 

"Was it hard for you to call the hotline the first time?" 

"Y-Yeah...Really hard.." 

"Can i ask, how did you know who to call? A big reason people dont reach out is because they don't know what number to call."

"When Mikey died, Ray came over to comfort me...he just wrote a phone number down for a suicide hotline...and i ended up calling.." 

"So thanks to Ray, you're still here with us. Next time you see Ray, say thank you. But theres somebody else you can talk to! You said you feel like you can only talk to me, but Ray cares about you, doesn't he?"

"I guess so.." 

"Hell yeah! Ray definitely cares about you. If he didn't, would he have come over and comforted you? Would he have left you with a number to a suicide hotline? He wants you to stay."

"I-Is it weird that i feel safe talking to you..?" 

"Not at all. Thats my job, Gerard. Im here to keep you alive." 

"Does it not...hurt you when you have to talk to these miserable people..?" 

"They're not miserable, they're just...scared. It does hurt me, it makes me feel so bad for these people, but i cannot express the joy i get when i get to hear from someone i helped, and they're telling me about their beautiful fiancés and how they're starting a life with a family, its amazing." 

"D-Do you think i'll ever get to tell you that..?" 

"If you trust me, and you keep telling me when you need help, i have no doubt that you're gonna call me one day, and you're gonna tell me you're getting married. I cant wait for that day. You better invite me to your wedding though, i love cake!" 

Gerard giggled, "I will."

"Anything else you need to ask me, or tell me?"

"Yeah...I-I finally cleaned Mikeys bedroom out and managed to throw some stuff away." 

"How did it make you feel?" 

"S-Sad...but im doing better now. Its like a weight off my shoulders, y'know?"

"Awesome. You're so great Gerard. You're amazing. Don't ever think otherwise." 

"Its nice to be appreciated sometimes.." 

"Hell yeah it is. Im glad you're here Gerard, whats your future husband gonna do without you, huh? Hes gonna be lonely if you left." 

"Yeah...You really believe someone wants me..?" 

"I do. Theres someone out there for everyone. You're not an exception. There is a perfect man out there waiting for you. Whether it takes you five days, five months or years, or if you've already met him, hes there. Hes ready to start his life with you."

"Thats nice to think about." 

"It is, isn't it?" 

"Are you married?" 

"Im not. Im still waiting for my own perfect man. I know hes out there somewhere." 

"You're gay too?" 

"You bet. I had a girlfriend a long time ago, didn't work out, but we're still good friends."

"Oh." 

"Do you miss Bert?" 

"I-I really miss him...He doesn't wanna talk to me anymore because of what my mom said to him.." 

"Oh, i'm sorry Gerard." 

"Its okay..."

"Alright, how about we do some breathing to help with these intrusive thoughts? Do you hear voices?" 

"No...Well, i don't hear them...but i know theres something in my head, telling me...im not good enough.." 

"Alright. Whenever you can sense this thing in your head is telling you these lies, you're gonna do exactly this. You're gonna take deep breaths, and you're gonna try a grounding technique." 

"What does that mean?" 

"You're gonna sit down, and put your hand in the middle of your chest. Take nice, slow breaths. Grounding is gonna bring you away from this thought. So we're gonna practise right now. Tell me five things you can see."

"Door, beer bottle, a chair, paper and...A mirror." 

"Awesome. Four things you can feel."

"My bedsheet, mattress, pillow and my phone." 

Three things you can hear." 

"Your voice...the heater and cars outside."

"Great. Almost done now. Two things you can smell."

"Deodorant and weed."

"One thing you can taste."

"Uhm...Mint, im chewing gum."

"Awesome. You're great at this. Anytime you can hear this voice, you're gonna pretend you can hear me, and you're gonna ground yourself. Now, can i trust you to get some sleep now?" 

"Y-Yeah...Goodnight Frank." 

"Goodnight Gerard, i love you. Stay alive, it gets better." 

"Yeah, love you too." 

-CALL END- 45 minutes and 39 seconds


	14. 14.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank, how may i help you?" 

"Hey." 

"Oh my god, you scared me Gerard! You didn't call for days, i was scared something happened." 

"Oh, no i'm good. I lost my phone charger and couldn't find it for days." 

"You only have one charger?" 

"Yeah. Dropped the other one in water."

"How?" 

"I have no idea. I think the glass of water was just on the floor and it fell off my bed and into the cup."

"Wow. So whats going on today? Anything happened you wanna talk about?" 

"Uhh...No, nothing in particular. Just wanted someone to talk to."

"Is Ray not able to talk to you?" 

"No, hes at work. I like talking to you anyway. You're a really good listener." 

"What should we talk about? You don't like sports, what do you like?" 

"Comic books. I read them a lot, i made my own. Mikey wrote one too, and i drew it for him." 

"What are they called?" 

"Mine is called The Umbrella Academy, Mikeys was Collapser." 

"Whats The Umbrella Academy about?"

"On October 1st in 1989, forty three gave birth but they hadn't been pregnant when the day started." 

"That sounds really interesting. Carry on."

"So theres a dude called Reginald Hargreeves, he wanted to know why the children were born so randomly, he believed they were special. He travelled around the world to find all forty three, but he only got seven."

"Is he a bad guy?" 

"He is! Hes not the main villain, though. He named the children by numbers, One through Seven. Grace, their mom but shes a robot, gave them real names."

"So Reginald and Grace are their adoptive parents?" 

"Kinda, yeah. Grace cares more about them."

"What did she name them?" 

"Number One is Luther, Reginald sent him to the moon for research but he didn't care about the stuff Luther sent back. Number Two is Diego, he's rude but hes really good with knives. Allison is Number Three, she can make people do things by saying 'I heard a rumor', and shes super famous. Klaus is my favourite, he's Number Four. Hes always drunk and high, but hes basically a human Ouija board."

"Klaus can talk to the dead?" 

"Yeah! He doesn't like doing it though. Number Five doesn't have a name. He's just Five. He time travelled to the future where its like post apocalyptic, and he's mentally around fifty, in the body of a teenager."

"Why didn't he get a name?" 

"He wasn't around long enough, because he left to time travel. Then theres Number Six, Ben. He's dead." 

"Oh? How did he die?" 

"I haven't really thought about that one yet. The last one is Vanya, Number Seven. She likes the violin, and she becomes the villain. She believed for most of her life that she didn't have powers like the others, but she did. She was the strongest. Because no one told her, she got really mad and tried to kill her siblings." 

"I like how you didn't stutter or hesitate once when you were talking. Is that because you like talking about things you're doing in life, or things you're interested in and passionate about?"

"I guess so. I really like working on my comic. The first volume is called Apocalypse Suite. In the future, i'd like to use the JFK assassination in my comics. Maybe Five can have something to do with it, since he time travels." 

"That sounds really interesting Gerard! The plot is really well developed."

"Thanks...Its easy to lie in bed and think of these scenarios and these abstract plots when you have nothing better to do in life."

"You working on any other comics?"

"Just Umbrella Academy for now. It's difficult to work on multiple things at once.." 

"Damn, i agree. You read a lot of comics?"

"Mhm. Me and my brother loved comics as kids. That just never went away...we read together all of the time, even as adults. I love Marvel, Mikey was more of a DC guy." 

"Cant be both Marvel and DC?"

"Oh, course you can. I just have a preference for Marvel. I love their comics, and the movies. Stan Lee is a true American hero."

"He really is. Do you go to Comic-con?" 

"Never been, i'd love to though. It looks fun. I love the whole comic book...would you call it a fandom? In any type of comic books, theres awesome fans, i love meeting new people with the same interests." 

"You seem to be in a great mood today! Thats so good Gerard!"

"I'm feeling motivated today. I took a shower this morning."

"Great job! Im proud of you! You're doing great man!" 

"Thanks...Uh...My butterflies came off in the shower. What do i do?"

"Draw them back on. Doesn't have to be in the same place, you told me that you cut over them." 

"Y-Yeah...M'sorry.." 

"Its okay Gerard, we all have our bad days. Please be careful when you draw them back on though, don't draw over them. The ink might get into it and get infected." 

"Got it, thanks."

"What are your plans for after our call?"

"Uh...I dunno. Probably get takeout...clean up a little maybe.."

"Awesome. Im so proud of you. Keep going Gerard. I'd love to meet you one day."

"Me too...b-but not yet.." 

"Why not?" 

"B-Because i look so disgusting still...Just give me time..."

"Whenever you're ready. I'd love to take you to a comic book store or maybe take you to Comic-con. You'd love it there." 

"That'd be nice. I-Im gonna call Domino's and get some pizza...Talk to you tomorrow?"

"Up to you, friend. Just don't leave me for days without saying anything. You really made me worried, cause i think about you all the time." 

"T-Thank you...And im sorry. I-I just couldn't find a phone charger. Sorry Frank." 

"Dont worry about it. Talk to you tomorrow then. I love you Gerard, im so proud of you!"

"Thanks...Love you too. Bye."

"Bye Gerard."

-CALL END- 35 minutes and 27 seconds


	15. 15.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank, how may i help you?"

"I made some real nice cookies today.." 

"Ooh! What kind of cookie?"

"Its my own recipe...chocolate chip...but with peanut butter too...D-Do you want the recipe..? I-I think you'll really enjoy it.." 

"Totally! Got my pen and paper ready." 

"You-You need...peanut butter, sugar...salt and one egg..."

"What are the steps? I totally gotta try these out." 

"Uh...So first you mix two hundred grams of peanut butter...and one seventy-five grams of caster sugar in a bowl...then add a quarter tablespoon of salt. Add an egg, and mix it till it turns into a dough...then roll them into balls and flatten them...put them in the oven and then eat.." 

"What do you put the oven on?"

"One eighty Celsius."

"Awesome. I'll try that out, they sound delicious. Your own recipe?" 

"Well, Mikeys...I bet you're sick of hearing about Mikey.." 

"Its okay, if you wanna talk about him, i'm all ears." 

"T-Thanks...Mikey gave me the recipe before he died, it was his special cookies he made when i was having a low day.." 

"Did you bake them because you're having a low day?" 

"Y-Yeah.."

"Thats okay. Its okay to feel low sometimes. Gerard, i work with suicidal people everyday and i know the signs, you do too. Mikey gave you his special cookie recipe, and then hung himself, you just gave it to me.."

"Yeah?" 

"Are you planning on committing suicide?" 

"I-I...I have to go Frank.." 

"Don't you dare go. Answer me." 

"S-Stop getting mad...please.." 

"Im sorry Gerard. I just need to know." 

"Its none of your business! I don't even know you!" 

"Don't yell. I'm gonna have to call for help if you don't answer my question." 

"Yes! Yes i am, okay?! I'm gonna take these fucking pills, all of them! You're not gonna stop me, because you don't really care!"

"Gerard, listen-"

"No! You listen to me! You're a suicide hotline operator because you want money, you don't give two shits about me! If i die, what are you gonna do?! Nothing. You'll leave my disgusting body to rot in here! And it won't be found because no one cares enough to check on me!" 

"I'm calling somebody Gerard."

"No! Please don't call anyone.." 

"Would you like me to come over? I'll help you get through the night." 

"N-No..." 

"Well i won't let you take an overdose. Choose." 

"I-I don't want you to come to my home...You'll hate it here.." 

"What should we do? You're gonna make it through tonight, even if i have to talk to you all night."

"Just...stay...Please.." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Please let me talk to you...All night...I feel safe talking to you.."

"No problem at all. Get nice and comfortable, and we'll talk." 

"I-Im really sorry i yelled at you...I didn't mean it.." 

"Its alright. You've got a lot going on, i get it. Just get comfortable and we'll have a nice chat. I enjoyed last nights chat. I hope you get your comic published! It sounds awesome!" 

"T-Thanks.."

"No problem. What should we talk about?" 

"I don't know..."

"How about...Music?" 

"Sure." 

"What bands do you like?"

"Misfits...David Bowie, Electric Century.."

"I know Misfits and Bowie, who's Electric Century?" 

"It was...Mikey and Davids band.." 

"Mikey was in a band?"

"Yeah. I like their music...Its relatable.." 

"I have to check it out! So i can make your cookies and listen to Mikeys and Davids music! David was Mikeys friend, then?"

"Mhm. He convinced Mikey to get help...It didn't work, obviously...But David is still a really nice guy." 

"Mikey and David sound so friendly. I wish i could've met Mikey, he sounds awesome. A real free spirit." 

"Yeah, he was really free, really fun to be around...Always smiling, even though you could tell something was bugging him.." 

"What do you think it was that made Mikey do what he did?" 

"...Me..." 

"You are not responsible for Mikeys death, alright? I want you to stop thinking that, Mikey chose to take you in and help you. It was also his choice to end his life. You didn't force him to do it, he took it into his own hands and did it himself. Don't blame yourself." 

"Right...Sorry.."

"No need to apologise. So tell me about Electric Century."

"Real good music...I Lied is my favourite song."

"Whats it about?" 

"Addiction..."

"And you said its a relatable song?"

"Yeah...Im an addict, i'm not stupid...I know i'm an addict. Would a non-addict smoke, drink, shoot and snort almost every night for a single night without interruption? Its the only thing that makes me happy...it numbs everything else...I'm in pain, all of the time.."

"Thats what people don't see about depression. Its not all mental, its physical pain too. When i had my own battles to face, i used to get horrible migraines and stomachaches. It left  
me unable to move sometimes." 

"I get bad back pains and cramps...Cant pick up a fucking pen to draw..." 

"Drawing is one of your passions, isn't it?" 

"I've always loved drawing..." 

"I've never really tried my hand at it."

"Its calming...The sound of the lead on the paper...the idea of creating a masterpiece...its so relaxing.." 

"Thats real nice Gerard. How are we doing now?" 

"Better...But can we carry on..? I-I like talking to you.." 

"One hundred percent. Carry on."

"I...I finished all my shampoo and conditioner at the same time...thats never happened before." 

"...Cool? Sorry, that was a little random."

"I know, sorry." 

"Thats fine, don't worry about it." 

"Y-Yeah...Im gonna go now...sleep."

"Alright, no getting up and doing things you'll regret. If you feel like that tonight, call me back. Okay?" 

"Yeah...Bye Frank.."

"Love you Gerard, keep going."

"Mhm. Okay."

-CALL END- 37 minutes and 13 seconds


	16. 16.

"Hello and welcome to the suicide hotline. My name is Frank, how may i help you?"

"I want Mikey." 

"Hey Gerard. Nice to hear from you again. I tried your cookie recipe, god they were delicious." 

"Glad you think so...I want him now.." 

"I cant help you with that one, im sorry. Do you have one of Mikeys hoodies you could wear? Maybe hug his pillow?" 

"What do you think i'm doing, Frank? Its not helping...i just want him back.." 

"I know you do...but he's not going to come back, even if you scream and cry, he's gone."

"I know...Its just hard without him...I wanna see him again.." 

"Maybe watch some old videos of you two together, that could help.."

"I did. It doesn't help...I just wanna see him again..." 

"Gerard, this is going to hurt you for a long time, i know it is. Its awful losing somebody."

"Stop telling me you love me, by the way...Its creepy." 

"Whats going on with you Gerard?" 

"My-My life is in pieces...sorry.." 

"Its alright. Just try to relax. Don't do anything you'll regret." 

"Like what Frank..? I just wanna end it...Im in pain.." 

"I know you do, its gonna hurt for a long time, but one day, you'll wake up and feel so much better. You just need to keep fighting." 

"I don't think i can...anymore.." 

"Come on, you can do it. You're strong, you're a fighter and a winner. Watch, you're gonna come out on top. You'll scream a big 'Fuck you' to your depression."

"I cant Frank...Its too much.." 

"Its okay, i promise its okay. You need to just keep reaching out. You're doing great so far, i'm proud of you."

"The blades to blunt. It won't cut!"

"Then put the blade down."

"I cant Frank, why do you think its so fucking easy to put it down? Its not!" 

"Just listen to me, okay? You don't want to hurt Mikey anymore. He's telling you to put the blade down."

"How would you know that? Mikeys not here."

"Do you really think Mikey would encourage you to hurt yourself? No. He wouldn't. No one wants you to suffer, i don't want you to suffer. Will you please just put the blade down and talk to me?"

"Its too blunt anyways..."

"Well, at least you're not going to hurt yourself with it."

"Yeah. Whatever."

"Have you had something to eat and drink today?" 

"No...Ray hasn't been over yet. He brings me food when i cant get out of bed.."

"And you can't get out today?"

"No energy." 

"Is there no food or drink in your room? Something that hasn't gone bad?" 

"No.." 

"Is there any chance you can get out of bed, get a small snack and go back? I know its so difficult to get out of bed on these kinds of days...but feeding yourself is so important."

"I can't Frank.."

"If you're struggling that bad, call Ray and ask him to bring you some food." 

"I tried.."

"Would you prefer me to call him?" 

"No."

"How about...Okay, i have a friend who works at a Domino's. He's a delivery driver. I can call his work and order a pizza for you, he'll come in and give it to you. He won't judge, he did the same thing for me." 

"That...That sounds nice." 

"What do you want to eat?"

"Just a pepperoni pizza please.." 

"Drink?" 

"Just a water.." 

"Awesome. I'll put in an order for you. His name is Patrick. He won't judge you or how messy your house is, like i said, he used to do this for me too." 

"Oh. Okay. How can i pay you..? I can give it to Patrick and he can give it to you..."

"You don't need to pay me. Happy to help." 

"Thanks..."

"Do you wanna talk a bit? Or do you want me to go and call the Domino's and put an order in for you?" 

"I-I wanna talk a bit.." 

"Awesome. What do you wanna talk about?"

"What do you think the least painful way to die is?"

"Thats a little grim."

"I like talking about death...Its calming.." 

"Okay...Lets talk about that then. Probably in my sleep. I think if i were to die soon, i want to go in my sleep." 

"Oh. I-I thought it'd be...maybe jumping off something head first?" 

"Why are you talking about this Gerard? You're worrying me." 

"I don't know. I just want to."

"You're not planning on doing anything, are you?"

"No...Why would you think that..?" 

"Because i know a common sign that someone is going to hurt or kill themself is when they talk about dying." 

"No, don't worry about me. I'm okay."

"Do you want me to order your pizza now?"

"Yeah...Yes please.."

"Alright, i'll talk to you soon. I love you Gerard, stay strong for me." 

"Thanks. Bye."

"Bye."

-CALL END- 31 minutes and 52 seconds


End file.
